If you’re like me, you believe that everything in life has some sort of meaning, there’s a reason for everything, there are no chance encounters, and everyone you develop any kind of relationship with has a meaning and provides an opportunity to grow. The frustrating part is figuring out what that lesson is and learning it. Maybe for me it’s proof that the law of attraction works, because two things happened recently after I wished for them, spoke them out loud, and what’s funny is the form in which they took. The first desire I had was to find a younger man, and the other was to find a guy who is at least on his way to having his shit together and on a similar path as me.
Welp! I got my younger guy alright. As in 22 years younger. As in, I’d graduated from undergrad already when he was born. As in, he could be my son.
We work together, and he, unbeknownst to me, has been pursuing me since we started working together. I remember one or two nights driving home after work after talking to him, and really thinking about him, and just thinking, Huh. As in, there’s something there, a connection. And then we had a company party last week in which he basically asked me out, and I decided, Why not? I’d thought (hoped) he was closer to 25, but nope. He’s in college. But hey, why not have fun? He’s not in high school. So yeah, that’s my rationale.
Demetrius is a poet, a musician, and biracial, which, as you know, I have a thing for. He has smooth caramel skin and wild hair, kind of an afro but long wavy locks that just poof out. He’s a sexy young man, with confidence, and he didn’t bat an eyelash when I told him I’m 42. He’s into underground hip hop which reminds me of music I listened to in high school, and I made him some playlists of poetic artists I listened to back in the day, and that he loves, and he shared the music he’s made with me, which is surprisingly impressive. He’s inquisitive, curious about who I am, always asking me questions that, from the start were on a deeper level. The one thing he said that stood out to me the most was, when describing me, he said, “You don’t have time,” that he knew he had to get straight to the point with me, which is true, and I take to mean as Don’t waste my time, I don’t have time for bullshit, I don’t have time for nonsense or superficial conversation or negativity. How did he know that about me? Do I come across as an impatient person? He said that I’m strong, which I appreciate because that’s exactly what I want to be, and I do feel strong in many ways, but I still pray for strength every day.
I pray for strength and courage to do the right thing, and for clarity in knowing what that is. And I don’t know what this is. What am I supposed to learn from this? He can never be more than a boytoy, and I don’t have time for a relationship anyway—I barely have time for a boytoy. A voice inside my head (my voice) said, You don’t have to say yes to every hot guy who wants to sleep with you. My ego then said, Um, yes I do. Seriously. How do I say no to that? Especially when there’s a connection, and something, I feel, to be learned. The artist in him speaks to the artist in me, and it inspires me to write, and I think maybe that’s what this is all about.
But it is bad timing.
I ain’t got time to write, y’all! I barely have time to write this blog post. In fact, I should totally be doing homework right now, and if I want my life to be balanced I need to go to the gym. Most days I don’t even meditate lately. How do I fit it all into one day? Especially when all I can think about is this sexy young dude in between my legs. Let’s be real.
The other guy is someone I might have an actual future with, an acupuncturist who shops at the store. And I’d just said the other day about how I want someone who has their shit together, who’s on a similar path. Not that I know him well enough to know that, but in terms of career, we’re on similar paths. And he’s about my age, good-looking but a boring white blond guy (no offense to my blond white male readers). It’s the boring blond white guys who I end up in relationships with, when I want a sexy man of color, but you know what? It’s a total stereotype so I apologize for any offense but my experience so far has been that those guys are womanizers. And I can relate. When you’re having fun being single and independent and you can get sex pretty easily, why settle down with just one? Relationships can get boring after a while.
But surely there’s someone out there who I can be friends with, connect with, who wants a relationship with just me, and who I feel the same way towards. I would love to meet someone who I didn’t get bored with. Maybe that’s the acupuncturist. But I will say he has kind of a high voice? And I can’t get into that, y’all. Sorry. Just can’t do it.
The thing is, I don’t even want to be thinking about all this. I want to focus on school and career.
So. I am going to do that. Right now.
Here’s a song from A Tribe Called Quest that includes a sample of a poem called “Time” from The Last Poets: