Maybe I Don’t Know What I’m Talking About

I want to record everything about the beginning of this new relationship so that we don’t forget after we’ve been together a while and fall into hard times. I don’t want to mess up this relationship by forgetting what I love about Steven. Below is one of the passages I forgot to publish on this blog. But first I want to remember that at the end of our first date, on my way home I texted my sponsor: “I think I’m in love.”

6/4
I want to record all of these details of this new love so that I don’t forget it one day, whether we stay together or not. I want to remember how new and exciting it is when you first meet someone you have in common with, who you feel like you can talk to about anything, for hours, when you have that feeling of never having met anyone like this before, how precious and rare it is. Because if it doesn’t work out, at least I’ll know I had this feeling before. It reminds me of one of my favorite lines from an Interpol song, “Evil”: “I’ve spent a life span with no cellmate / To find the long way back.” Everything about him reminds me of an Interpol song, or just of the lead singer Paul Banks in general, on his darker or more serious days, and on his fun days, he reminds me of a Justin Timberlake (my celebrity boyfriend) song. If he were a songwriter he’d have written the lyrics Paul Banks and JT have written. He’s the kind of man who’d actually say those things, and mean them.

Of course there’s this part of me that wonders if we’re both just delusional, and that a week or a month from now I’ll find out he’s actually still married to two women in two different states who don’t know about each other, and a gay partner in yet another state, that he has a cocaine addiction, that he killed an ex-girlfriend in the past, or some other dark secret that will reveal itself in time, something so dark I can’t deal with it.

In the meantime my dog is slowly getting worse with her kidney disease. Last week she started eating less and less. This week she came into the tiny bathroom while I was getting ready for work just to lay there and be with me. Earlier this week she had trouble getting up. It’s reached the point where I don’t want to leave the house for too long outside of work because I’m afraid something will happen to her when I’m not here to comfort her and take care of her and let her know how much I love her, how much she is loved. I have a lot more to say about this, in time.

Tomorrow I have a job interview for a job I really want and I feel completely unprepared. In my mind I’ve already gotten the job, and I’m not thinking so much about the next small step of how to get there, but rather I’m thinking of two steps after that, where I’m somehow already a VP, making a lot of money that affords me a comfortable lifestyle in which I can pay off my student loan debt, buy nice gifts for my family, take nice vacations, live in a comfortable high-rise. In this life I imagine I somehow feel comfortable in my work. I’ll have a personal trainer and a therapist to help me achieve peace. I’ll mentor younger women in their careers. I’ll write in my free time.

Steven and I were supposed to go out on our second date tonight but I have to prepare for my interview, so we decided — he decided for me, because he’s a wonderful man who takes charge — that we’d wait until next week. I was so grateful that he offered to postpone because I really didn’t want to cancel or not see him, and he clearly wants to see me. He may be a bit needy, and that scares me because it seems I get into unhealthy, codependent relationships, like the good ACA that I am, in which I find someone who is magnetized to me, which has to do with my fear of abandonment. Usually I fall for unavailable men who are emotionally closed but then get into relationships with men who want to be my Siamese twin. Actually that’s not completely true, as it turned out that my ex-husband was closed. So maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. It is possible. That has certainly happened before.

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