Last night I dreamt I was in the passenger’s side of a car while one of my friends (and co-worker) drove me to my boyfriend’s house. Instead of pulling into his driveway she drove past to another house, which was a surprise to me, but it turned out that the other house was her old house that had foreclosed. She went to take some of her cat food that she needed for her cat, because she had none at home, and the new homeowner came out to tell her to leave. She explained that it was her old house, and straightened up some of her things before we left.

I like to interpret my dreams because I believe the subconscious mind has knowledge of what’s going on in our lives that our conscious mind takes longer to comprehend or acknowledge, and I’ve read that the other people in our dreams represent a part of ourselves. Interpreting my dream is like analyzing a short story. One can interpret the dream by looking for symbols and connections in them just like one would do for a piece of literature in a high school or college literature class. In this dream someone else is in control (driving) and that someone else is a person who I think of as ambitious and academic, who recently got a good job at a university, but who in the past drank too excess which caused her problems in life, and who, in her opinion, has gotten a late start in her career. She’s very smart, and she’s also committed to her sobriety. In the dream, as in life, she lost everything (foreclosed home), but she can’t move on because she goes back to visit her house that really isn’t hers anymore to get some food for her cat because she’s financially destitute and she needs food to take care of her pet. She is the one who’s driving me to my boyfriend’s house, a place of love and safety, which is where I want to go but she insists on taking me back to the past instead. The entire situation took place in the neighborhood where I grew up, which is a frequent backdrop of my dreams, and possibly means I can’t get over childhood issues.

I’m not sure how to move on. I received an email from a recruiter for a job that pays significantly less than my former job but almost twice what I get paid now, and it’s for writing, so I jumped on it. Part of me had become resigned while the other part of me was still fighting. Surrender apparently is the best place to be, in spite of the American ideal that we’re supposed to fight to survive, railroad everything and everyone to win at this game of life. Surrender is when we tell our higher power, which I call God, that I give up, and I don’t know what’s best for me anymore. It doesn’t mean I stop applying to jobs, but I let go of the idea of what I think the outcome is supposed to be. In my mind I should get a job writing or doing something I enjoy and I should make a lot of money doing that, or at least enough money to pay my bills and have a little extra left over. For the past year that has not happened for me, so apparently God has other ideas, presumably because there are other lessons for me to learn right now.

So what is the fucking lesson?

Because to me it seems to be that I don’t get what I want in this life. I don’t get what I want, but I get what I need. Do I just stop wanting more? Do I stop trying for more? Do I just work in the grocery store for the rest of my life? I hope I have more to contribute to society than that but maybe that’s not what God wants for me. I am not special or unique. Lots of grocery store workers have much more to offer the world than stocking grocery store shelves and they don’t get that opportunity. Maybe I just need to focus on more spiritual growth. I’ve volunteered for an event Tuesday, and I plan to do more in that area, so we’ll see how that goes. I still don’t see how that will pay my bills.

I don’t feel hopeful today. Mostly I feel resigned. Disappointed. Even if I got a “good job,” I don’t think I’d be able to do it well, so it’s fair to say that I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I’m too emotional on any given day to be able to separate my personal life from my work life. A customer might find me in the bathroom crying (that happened) or a co-worker might find me in the cooler crying, or out in the open, behind the customer service counter cutting up boxes to be recycled while crying. Because my life has gotten so far from where I think it should be that I don’t know what to do anymore, and I have no idea what direction my life is taking. I may actually go through with school and become a nutritionist, or I may borrow a bunch of money and fail at that too. I want so badly for someone to come and save me, but no human power can do that. No person can be relied upon to do that, and that makes me incredibly sad, in spite of the fact that I know it’s impossible even if that person wanted to, even if they tried. I feel so terribly lost.

I’ve posted this song before but it seems so fitting, again, right now.

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