I haven’t posted anything in a while because I’ve been so busy trying to balance work, school, my relationship, and my recovery/self-care that I’ve neglected my blog. I was writing until a couple of weeks ago but just not posting because nothing seemed adequate for what I had to write about my friend Michelle who passed in August. Mostly I feel lonely and sad that most of the close friends I’ve made have moved away, or in her case, died. It’s a lesson in how truly ephemeral everything in life is, and it reminds me of one thing I’ve learned from my spiritual practice, which is that I can’t rely on any human power to save me. I thought I understood what that meant — for example, no one else can make me happy because my happiness comes from within and is based on trust in a higher power… but does that have to mean that I have no long-term friends? Every friend I’ve had in the six years I’ve lived in this area has moved away soon after our friendship started to blossom. I thought that Michelle was the one friend I could trust not to move away, because she was so grounded in where she was, in her home town with her daughter and husband. And then she just died.
The upcoming cold weather has me stressed out too. I don’t like being cold, with my muscles tense, and snow to shovel and ice to scrape from my car windows. Driving in the snow scares me. And while I love winter fashion, the extra clothes required means lugging around more stuff that requires more space.
Speaking of space, I also wanted to be in my own space by now, before winter time, in a space that contains minimal things, things that stay clean, in a space that stays clean. My own kitchen with my own utensils and my own dishes and appliances. My good knives that should be in an infomercial, that could probably slice open an aluminum can, since that’s something everyone needs.
All of that is just ruminating on what I don’t have instead of being grateful for what I do have. After my recent experience with trying to help someone else get her life together, it’s funny I should think of all the things I don’t have. The life I have is so beautiful. I have a warm bed in a safe place with loving friends and pets, and I have an amazing man in my life who takes good care of me. My job allows me to learn so many new and interesting things relevant for school where I’m studying to become a nutritionist. And I get all kinds of free products from work. I have good food to eat. This is actually a really wonderful time in my life, and I bet I look back one day and remember that.