Now that I’m 40, I think of my future more. I want to know how it’s going to look, and if I will be okay. There are things I don’t want:  to work in a job I hate doing things that cause me anxiety every day, to be unable to work or make money to support myself, to live and die alone in a nursing home. That’s where my head takes me. I forget that God takes care of me. And I do believe that. Some might argue that idea is asinine because tragic things happen all the time, that God doesn’t control what happens, and I get that. What I mean is that whatever happens I will find peace and keep up my relationship with God, even if I do end up alone and penniless in a nursing home.

I’m a few months shy of the end of my first year of graduate school and still I feel unsure if this is the right thing to do. I reviewed my student loan debt and it’s daunting, yet I don’t know what other financially feasible path to take.

Looking back on my life so far, I feel that I’ve made so many costly mistakes, that I’ll forever live in debt, and I may never find a career that I love or am competent in. It’s hard not to ruminate over my mistake in getting a liberal arts degree, and not taking action sooner to pursue something more interesting that I could also support myself doing. Everything happens for a reason, and to me what that means is that there’s a lesson in everything I do. I just don’t know what that lesson is right now.

So I hope I am making the right decision in borrowing money for grad school for a career that I have no way of knowing if or how it will work out until I do it. So far nothing has panned out, and I have no way of knowing this will be different. Growing up I thought I wanted to be a writer, and that I would teach while writing. I taught as an adjunct professor for a couple of semesters at a community college but it was incredibly hard and it didn’t pay well. Although I taught only two classes, I spent all of my free time preparing for class. I had to learn how to teach, because I’d never taken any education classes, and of course I had to study the material in order to teach it, as well as read and grade papers. Most of the students hated reading and writing, and many could not write a sentence. During the day I worked full time in the marketing department of a failing company. I have probably explained all of this in an earlier post.

Most people would’ve stayed in marketing for the money, and probably tried to find something within marketing they could tolerate, but I chose not to take that path. I stayed for as long as I could, and then I just could not do it anymore.

Another way to look at all of this is that I chose to get out of something I loathed and although I’m already 40, it’s not too late, and I can spend my older years doing something that hopefully I will love. I will persevere. I just want to chronicle this time so that one day I can look back and remember how hard it was and how I came out on the other side of it. Maybe it will be helpful to someone else one day.

Here’s a beautiful song that has more relevance to some personal issues I’m processing right now and not ready to post about yet.