Musings About My Mother

klimt-owls

8/30

Last night I dreamt I was in the kitchen of my childhood home and my mom appeared but her head was turned to the side and she would not look at me. When I saw her I exclaimed, “Mom! Mom! Look at me! Tell me you love me.” She finally said, “I do not love you,” and she would not look at me. She looked like she did in the hospital, and she would not make eye contact. I do not understand why I would dream such a horrible dream. The only explanation I can think of is maybe this is my deepest fear on some subconscious level, though I believe Mom loved me, and maybe this is God’s way of telling me to stop trying to summon Mom. Because before I went to bed I had an intention to have a lucid dream with Mom in it so I could communicate with her.

When I went outside for my morning coffee today, I heard an owl, which I’ve never heard before. Maybe it’s coincidence, but I like to think it was Mom’s way of letting me know she is here with me, because Mom loved owls, and I’ve never heard an owl in my neighborhood before. Still, I am disturbed by that horrible dream. Other dreams I had last night:  my mentor was levitating and told me I could learn how to levitate too, and riding past a bridge where a bicycle was parked underneath inside a cavelike area. My oldest sister was driving. Then I was driving and my sister was outside walking. I had dropped her off and was going to go back to pick her up and take her to wherever she needed to go, but she kept walking. It was a downtown area that looked like our college town, or the town where Mom was buried.

I’m slumping into a depression, and I know I need to get out and that Mom would not have wanted this, but I cannot help but wonder if I’m doing the right thing in returning to school. If someone can live a fairly healthy life for 66 years, get a clean bill of health three weeks prior to dropping dead of a stroke, then why not just eat what you want and enjoy life to the fullest every day? Why try to convince someone else that eating healthy foods will make a difference? And what’s the advantage of living longer? You get to see everyone else around you die.

On the other hand, Mom chewed nicotine gum for decades, which causes spikes in blood pressure, which no one realized she had, because when she went to the doctor she didn’t have high blood pressure. Sometimes it might be slightly high, but nothing to worry about. She also likely had weak blood vessels. And living longer has advantages if you have children and grandchildren, which I don’t have and never will, and it’s too late to change my mind. Getting older has other advantages:  you can impart your wisdom to others (assuming you have it), you have other older and younger friends and family, and you keep learning the lessons we’re meant to learn here. It seems to be taking me a long time to learn my lessons, because I still don’t know what they are, and so I will probably live forever when right now I really don’t want to. I am sure that this too shall pass.

8/31

Last night I sat outside for a while and heard an owl hooting. I’ll never be able to hear an owl again without thinking of Mom, because she loved owls. Everyone who’s been through this before tells me the void never goes away but somehow you get through it. I don’t see how anyone gets through this. When I see someone’s face, someone who’s older than me but who has aged well and has a pleasant smile on their face, I think, They probably never lost their mother. When someone talks of taking care of their elderly and/or sick mother, I think of how lucky they are that they get more time with their mother, and they get the opportunity to express their love for their mother, and how I’ll never get that chance again because my mom died too soon at the age of 66.

All I keep thinking about is how I wish I’d moved to North Carolina to be with her when I’d had the chance two years ago. The only drawback is that I’d have never met my boyfriend who I love more than anyone I’ve ever dated or married. Except it’s hard to appreciate that when I keep thinking that I wouldn’t have known any better, I wouldn’t have known what I was missing.

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