It feels so oppressive to be in this place. It seems at least one person is home at all hours of the day and night, up and about, and I want them to go away. I want to live alone in nature. Even sitting outside on my back porch is unbearable, because the next door neighbor always wakes up and goes outside at the same time. At 6:30 in the morning. At 10 o’clock at night. At 3am. Doesn’t matter, someone is always up.
When I sit outside on the back porch, sirens go off in the distance at least once, often twice. A reminder that someone is always dying, or getting injured, that life goes on, that there are too many people in this town, that I’m too far away from nature. All reminders.
I came across a quote from Ricky Martin that seemed appropriate for how I feel, especially about my roommates, who do not know what to say to me, and therefore do not say anything.
Anyone who is not on your same evolutionary and spiritual frequency will distance himself from you, while all those who are on the same evolutionary and spiritual frequency as you will come closer to you; you will see how amazing it is to discover that everyone who needs to be by your side will ultimately appear in your life in the most spontaneous and divine manner. That’s how powerful the mind is.
My roommates are all about 30 years old and have not suffered a great loss, or perhaps have but are for whatever reason incapable of connecting or communicating with me. When I mention that I do not want to go to work, and someone thoughtlessly replies, “Why?” or “Maybe you should look for another job,” I want to scream at them that going to work is not exactly something I feel like doing when my mother just died, that no job is going to make my life better right now. When someone whines about how bummed they are because their plans for the day got cancelled, I want to yell at them that they might gain a better appreciation for their day if they considered their mom could’ve just died.
I also find it frustrating when someone ignores the obvious. Hey there, I’m a human being and my mother just died. Don’t you think you could acknowledge that? It confirms my belief that my former co-workers are heartless, soulless bastards who care only about money, power, and greed. Although. I must say I know that’s not completely true, not about all of them, and one of them did reach out to express condolences.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t the same way before this happened. While I usually said, “I’m sorry for your loss,” and I often thought of the person and felt bad for them, I did not initiate conversation about their deceased loved one. No one knows what to say. No one wants to feel sad. No one wants to experience this. My mentor said, “Welcome to the club that no one wants to be in.”
I don’t want to be the bigger person who has to sympathize with others and how uncomfortable they may feel in my presence, in spite of how that perspective helps me grow and become more spiritually fit. I want to be angry and accusatory and judging, to let them know how insensitive they are. Not really. I want to grow spiritually, to love more deeply, to become a wiser person. What makes me cringe is that I had prayed for this. I prayed to grow spiritually, to become closer to God. But this is not what I had in mind. Not in this way.
There are people I’ve thought about reaching out to but haven’t. There are people I’ve reached out to but don’t wish to see any time soon. Mostly I want to be alone, or with my boyfriend. If my sisters or best friend lived here, I’d want to be with them. I wouldn’t mind hanging out with my mentor, which I’ll do in the next week or two. Those are the only people I can think of who I want to hang out with. I do have a friend who lost her husband a couple of years ago, and she lost her mother 15 years ago, so I might not mind hanging out with her. Plus she has a horse, who she wants to introduce me to, and I would love to meet. Maybe I’ll go for a horseback ride, which is something I’ve only done twice in my life. The first time was with my mom’s stepfather, and the second time was in Costa Rica.
When I see women my age with their moms, I feel very sad. When I see women my mom’s age, I feel sad. When I see women older than mom, I feel resentful. I want to tell them how lucky they are, or better yet, how lucky their daughters are, and I want to tell the daughters that I hope they appreciate their mothers.
I don’t understand why someone as beautiful as my mom had to go. She made such a big difference in the world. She lived for her daughters, and then for her grandchildren, and for the local food pantry. She spent most of her time giving to others. We need more people like her in the world. I will do my best to live my life the way she lived hers. Although the last thing I want to do right now is anything that does not involve sitting in nature or writing, I want to do volunteer work and find a way to be helpful to those in need.
I’ll end with this beautiful song my sister reminded me about. My favorite lines are, “It’s the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance… It’s the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.”