Today I went hiking in the country about an hour north of my house when I came across a butterfly with crumpled wings. I’d hoped that maybe she’d just emerged from her cocoon and that her wings would straighten, but when I did research online later I learned that most likely she’d fallen or somehow damaged her wings when leaving her cocoon. Butterflies can still live with broken wings, but she’s vulnerable. Had I known I might have been able to rescue her but I’d have needed a cage or jar to put her in, then I’d have had to take her home and feed her. Maybe when I get more settled I can live in a place more suitable for such emergencies. Might not be a bad idea to carry a jar in my car for such situations.
I also stumbled across a fuzzy white feather on the path, which I will take to be a sign that I was visited by an angel. Mom? Maybe it was just a bird that had been there, but I’m looking for meaning in a senseless world, and I’ll take it wherever I find it. I got up at 4am and sat outside staring at the stars in the sky when a small cloud drifted by, followed by dozens more, and I imagined them to be angels soaring in the sky. It seems that others get visited by angels or ghosts, others receive messages or find meaning in random happenings, and it’s all so meaningful to them. Maybe it’s all in the perspective. Maybe I need to open my mind more. People said, “Oh you’ll feel her presence.” I don’t feel her presence. I feel her absence.
A few days before she had her stroke I told her about the Louise Hay book I was reading on how Hay believes a person can prevent or reverse disease by keeping a positive outlook, and Mom basically called bullshit on it. What foreshadowing. No amount of positive thinking would have stopped her from having a massive hemorrhagic stroke nor could it change the outcome. When God, the Universe, or whatever you want to call it—I call it God—when God decides your time has come, then your time has come.
When someone on Facebook writes, “My thoughts are with you,” I want to scream at them that maybe they could pray for a change. That being said, I can’t say I prayed this morning when I woke up (though now that I’m thinking of it, will do now), nor could I have said I prayed for people seven years ago, and would’ve felt phony telling people I’d pray for them knowing I didn’t pray. I also felt that I wasn’t sure if the other person was religious or spiritual, and would not want to offend them somehow by telling them I’d pray for them. Now I’ve decided that if people feel offended that’s their problem; I’m not going to apologize for praying. I pray for guidance, not because I believe it’s a ticket into heaven.
When people sit around watching television all the time, I want to scream. The sound of the TV makes me want to pound my fists on the wall and cry. It makes me want to run far into the woods and never come back. The only thing worse than the sound of TV is the sound of football on TV. It just makes me feel depressed. I don’t want to live my life staring at a TV screen.
One of my favorite lines in this song by The Postal Service is this: “I want life in every word, to the extent that it’s absurd.” I want meaning in my life.