Searching

I had a dream a week ago that I was looking through a photo album of my niece and nephew when they were toddlers and I felt very sad, like I missed them. It was as if I were Mom. Then a few days later I dreamt that I was with my former mother-in-law, but her voice was Mom’s, which made me cry, because it reminded me of Mom. These dreams have nothing to do with what I want to write about today, but I wanted to include them because I like to remember important dreams like this, and wanted to keep them somewhere for future use. The dreams tie in with what I’ve read about a collective soul, and the idea that my mother is always with me, and she’s everywhere at once.

A lot of what I’ve read or heard about spirits seems to be coming true for me now. As I’ve mentioned, I see feathers a lot lately whereas before I did not, though I looked for them often. My boyfriend’s bedside lamp turned on the other night at random without the switch being physically turned. Then we heard what sounded like hammering on the wall, or beating on the upstairs floor (our ceiling) yesterday, yet his roommate was not awake (the door to upstairs was partially open and I had just been upstairs), nor was anyone outdoors doing construction (we opened the outside door to check while it was happening). I’ve always wanted a guardian angel, but she has never made herself known to me, as far as I know, until now. Of course I believe she is Mom, though I’m not sure who my other guardian angels are (possibly her mom and dad). A friend told me that I’m closer to my mom now than I’ve ever been, and that now Mom is in a position to help me more than she ever could’ve when she was alive, because she is everywhere now, and always with me. Still I want answers. Quick and easy answers that will satisfy my never-ending pursuit of my life’s purpose in terms of a career.

At church yesterday the minister talked about joy, and started the talk with this video:

The minister asked the congregation what our impressions of the video were, what Yosemite Bear was expressing, and the answers were joy, wonder, amazement, awe. He asked us what stood out to us, and one man said he was embarrassed for the guy, an answer that surprised me, and made me feel sorry for that guy, and another woman said she felt love for him for being so free. I myself felt similar except that after a minute or so, I felt that it was mildly uncomfortable to watch in front of a group of people, because I wanted to get to the point and hear what the minister had to say about it. That is my problem: always in a hurry, and I suppose in that way I related to the guy who was embarrassed for Yosemite Bear. But Yosemite Bear isn’t in a hurry. He enjoys the moment, revels in the beauty of it. What really stands out to me is his question:  What does it mean?

Indeed, what does it mean? It’s what I call a God moment, a moment in which one of the wonders of the world reveals itself to us, a miracle of beauty, created by the sun’s rays as they shine on rain drops.

My whole life I’ve been searching for meaning. It reminds me of a moment when I was in high school, and I’d gotten a book on the enneagram personality types, and how Mom instantly recognized that I was a 4, and how surprised I was at that recognition. At some point, maybe then, either she said, or I thought, that she knew me better than anyone else. It was a revelation because I felt so misunderstood. My senior year of high school I’d considered moving to Las Vegas, not because I knew anything about what a depraved land of artifice that would be, but because it seemed exotic and mysterious and adventure-filled, and my boyfriend, who lived there, had tried to convince me it would be a good idea. My mom asked me why I thought it would be a good idea to move there, and I was crying at the time, and responded, “Because I love him?” I hadn’t meant the words to come out like a question, but no bigger truth could have come from me than those words in that way at the time. I’ll never forget the words Mom said to me then. She looked at me and said, “Listen to me. There is no one, I mean no one, who loves you more than I do.”

One might wonder why, knowing how strong a mother’s love for her child is, as Mom often reminded us, that I would not have a child myself. Mom often said that there’s no bond stronger than a mother’s love for her child. She often told my sisters and me that she didn’t know what she’d do without us. “If it weren’t for you girls…” When we were growing up after her divorce from my dad and when she was married to her second husband she really struggled sometimes. She was an emotional person, and my stepfather, like a lot of men that age and time, and possibly like a lot of men today, wasn’t helpful around the house. “It’s the backlash of the women’s movement,” she’d say. She was a supporter of women’s rights, being a strong, outspoken woman herself, but dismayed that now we had to do both the domestic work and go to work too.

Maybe that’s why I never had children, because I couldn’t see how working full-time, raising kids, and taking care of the house was feasible. Or maybe it just wasn’t God’s plan for me. If, God forbid, something happened to my boyfriend, I’d probably go ahead and try to have a child, because now I can see that I have missed out on that kind of love… A few years ago I went to a psychic who told me I’d have two kids, a boy and a girl, and a few days ago I was thinking what a crock that was, but then realized that my boyfriend has a boy and a girl, and that I’m likely to become a stepmother to them. I know it’s not the same as being a mom, but I’d be grateful to be their stepmother.

After watching the rainbow video, I wanted to know more about Yosemite Bear, so I found this video:

Yosemite Bear’s life seems to me a blessing. He has a beautiful piece of land in a gorgeous space, and he spends each day close to nature. He may not have a big house, but he has just what he needs. That is how I want to live. The problem is, I don’t know how. I am sure that more will be revealed to me as time passes. In the meantime I will keep searching.

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