Right after I wrote yesterday’s post, I took a shower, and as I was drying off, a tiny white feather floated to the floor. Where in the house could a feather have come from? How could a feather have landed in my bathroom?
In Your Sacred Self, Wayne Dyer advises to look for meaningful coincidences, and I believe that’s just what this is: a message from Mom that everything is going to be alright. Afterwards I spent ten minutes meditating, and I believe that the thoughts that entered my mind were the words from my guardian angel, my mother: Stay on the path you’re on. You’re on the right track. Just keep doing what you’re doing.
Questions about specifically what that means didn’t occur to me. No doubt entered my mind. My interpretation is that it meant to just keep writing. When I got home from work last night and continued reading this beautiful book by Wayne Dyer—whose books, by the way, my mother read—he answers so many questions and problems that have come up for me, problems that I haven’t even verbalized or been aware of.
For one, he advises to do what you enjoy, without concern of the outcome, or whether it’s your best. I laughed out loud at his statement that he’d been in seven marathons and never once did he do his best in any of them. He said that if he had he’d have made better time each time, and that he probably would not have been in any of them had he started with the notion that he’d be doing his best. I would love to share this with Mom because she too would laugh and say something like what Maya Angelou said to Oprah, which is that you do what you know to do at the time. Mom used to say, “Just do the best you can. That’s all you can do.” What she meant was just do what you can and don’t beat yourself up over it.
At some point in time I read something by Dyer about doing what you love and the money will come, but at that time I was not ready to do that. I believed that was fine and dandy for people who don’t have bills to pay, but that it wasn’t for the rest of us folks who need a roof over our heads. Now, at $23,000 a year and somehow making it, I believe I am finally ready. I no longer feel the need to force myself into working in a job I despise (marketing), staring at spreadsheets all day, full of anxiety over how to answer questions about sales. I am beginning not to care if I don’t become something interesting with a job title that woos people. I’m still not completely there yet, because I’d planned to become a nutritionist, and it still scares me to think I might be a grocery store worker forever. In theory there’s nothing wrong with that, but in reality, do I really want that for my life?
On the other hand, it means I’m defining my life by my job, and as Dyer says, I am not what I do. When I look at my mother’s life, I do not think of her as a retail worker. I think of her as a loving mother, grandmother, wife, and humanitarian. Those are the things that matter in life.
A new concept for me is Dyer’s view that believing is different from knowing. Believing allows doubt to creep in, and when doubt creeps in, our true heart’s desire does not come to fruition. He writes about the law of attraction, and refers to Louise Hay, who I’d been reading before Mom died, but stopped because I did not like the idea that somehow I caused Mom’s death.
If you’re not familiar, the law of attraction, which I first learned about in The Secret, is the idea that whatever you’re thinking about, whether consciously or unconsciously, will come true for you. If you don’t think you’ll ever become successful, you never will. If you’re afraid that you won’t get what you want in life, you won’t. On the other hand, if you visualize the life you want, and you do daily affirmations, and you focus on the positive, you will get the life you want. Before Mom died, I prayed many times for God to bring me closer, and it disturbs me to think Mom’s death was the answer. That was NOT what I had in mind, though it’s certainly bringing me closer to God.
Another thing that occurs to me about Wayne Dyer is that his last name is similar to my mother’s maiden name (Dyes). It’s another meaningful coincidence. He has always reminded me of Mom because she read several of his books after her divorce from my first stepfather, when I was in high school and she and I lived together. She went through so much spiritual growth during that time. Also, Dyer’s words and outlook remind me very much of my boyfriend’s. When I mentioned to my boyfriend yesterday that he reminds me of him, Steven said he’d heard him give talks and that he agrees with what he says, called him a brilliant guy.
If someone told me a few years ago that I’d find myself in a shared house at the age of 40 and content working in a grocery store barely making enough money to get by, I would not have believed you. My view was that Dyer’s message to be happy with the life you have was part of a conspiracy (though not conscious or ill-conceived), sort of an opiate of the masses so that no one aspires to become anything more. Now I question what “more” means.
Sometimes these days I am fine just to sit on my bed and stare into space. Sometimes I stare at this salt rock lamp I have. Most times I stare at nothing and I just enjoy it.