I don’t know what I want to write about, just that I want to write. Today I have to work, which I’m not looking forward to. I would rather do nothing, or go for a hike or bike ride. Right now I just feel sad for no discernible reason. Maybe this is just how grief is. It’s not for no reason, but because my mother died over a month ago, and now I no longer want to continue on the same path as before in terms of a career. My boyfriend doesn’t know yet, and I’m afraid to tell him.
Most likely he’ll be supportive. Prior to my decision to go to grad school he had not expected me to go or do anything different from what I was doing. But now that I’ve told him all my fears about not making enough money and not being a good role model to his kids and being a failure, maybe now he’s changed his mind. Maybe he’s gotten used to the idea of my bringing in a good income and maybe he will be embarrassed to tell people I work in a grocery store, especially because he’s a scientist. Maybe he’ll be okay with this decision, as long as I do something. He may think if I want to be a writer, then just write—and what if I can’t do a good job of that?
The problem is that I’m letting doubt creep into it. I have to just do it. Of course he’ll understand. If he doesn’t, well, I have to do what I have to do.
He’ll come around. He wants me to be happy.
Mom wanted me to be happy. Wants me to be happy, because she’s still here, as my guardian angel. Mom did not measure success by what job a person had, and she didn’t expect me to become Shakespeare. She just wanted me to follow my heart. Wayne Dyer says if you do that, the money will follow.
I’m not even sure what I will write about, but I have faith that it will come. More will be revealed. Just keep doing what you’re doing—that’s what Mom or God or my inner voice tells me. Don’t quit before the miracle happens. Life unfolds as it should, and the miracles come, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but you just have to keep faith. When I think about people like Yosemite Bear, who must’ve been living in his trailer for however long, making videos for however long, until his double rainbow video became a viral hit… But then, it’s not about becoming famous. If I can be helpful to the people around me, even just by being of service at work, then my life has made a difference. When I think about Pedro, that’s how he spent his life. When I think of my friend Michelle, that’s how she spent her life. It’s how my mother spent her life. Each of these people was of service to others. My dog just loved people—especially me—unconditionally. My cat, the same thing. Animals are an example of just pure love, of God.
That’s how I want to be: an instrument of God, the Source, Allah, Jehovah, The Light, Yahweh, or whatever you want to call this power greater than ourselves. There is a reason for all of this.