When I was in my late teens/early 20s, I was very into dreams. I had vivid dreams that I often recorded, and I read a lot about dream interpretation, and at some point—by accident, I think—I had a lucid dream.
If you’ve never had a lucid dream, it’s not only an extraordinarily vivid dream, but it’s a dream of acute awareness—including the fact that you’re dreaming—and of mind control. Your mind creates whatever you want. You want to fly? You can fly. You want a mirror to appear, and a mirror appears. I learned to have lucid dreams, and it became easy for me. But at the time I had them for fun, because they’re like psychedelic experiences without drugs, and at that time all I wanted was to escape how I felt, which I often did by sleeping, drinking, or taking drugs.
Apparently you can also talk to your spirit guides in your lucid dreams, which I didn’t know until now, and wouldn’t have tried back then because at the time I thought I was alone in the world. But that’s exactly what I want to do now: talk to my spirit guides, or guardian angels, specifically my mom, and I want to ask her/them what my purpose is in this world and if I’m on the right track, and if they can give me specifics on what I should be doing. Not that I don’t get answers to these questions, but I need confirmation and (hopefully) specifics. I think I’m on the right track, but I want to know for sure.
At the time it became so easy to have lucid dreams that I assumed it would always be easy to just pick it back up again. Over the years I’ve had lucid dreams periodically, and it seems like I would just think about having a lucid dream before bed, and poof! A lucid dream would occur. Usually I chose to fly in my lucid dreams, because it’s so fun to soar across the sky, free. While I still love to fly, I want more to access my spirit guides, which some believe is the true self, or that part of the brain or some collective soul that knows what’s best for me—for us, because we’re all connected.
It’s been so difficult to have a lucid dream that I’ve resorted to trying supplements. First I tried shatavari, which did absolutely nothing, and I don’t want to keep taking it because it has the added benefit of hormonal balance for menopausal women, and I’m not in menopause yet. Last night I tried mugwort, which also did nothing. At first I became nervous that I was hallucinating right after I drank a cup, because I saw a white flash of light on the wall in my peripheral vision, but then nothing else happened, so I decided it must have been my mind playing tricks on me. I really do not want to take drugs or escape my feelings, but I want to confront my feelings and open my heart and soul completely to this experience, which ultimately is a spiritual experience.
Ever since I got sober almost seven years ago I’ve wanted to have a white-lightning/burning-bush spiritual experience. The thing is, not everyone gets that. Most of us get little bits of knowledge and wisdom here and there, which has been the case for me. The closest I’ve gotten to that kind of experience was a month before I quit drinking. I was lying in bed, half drunk, and suddenly I had this strong desire to find God, a rare feeling for me back then. And then suddenly, I felt as if God was there. It was not as comforting as one might think. Instead it was a bit scary, because I kept thinking, if God is here, then God knows what a terrible person I am. But since then I’ve changed my view about how God views us, which is that we are all God’s children, and God thinks of us the way one thinks of one’s child, or the way I thought of my dog, which was that no matter what she did, I always loved her, and still do.
For now I’ll continue to pray, meditate, try to have lucid dreams, and trust that whatever is supposed to happen will happen.