Right now I’m experiencing anxiety for what seems like no good reason, or rather for reasons that I think would normally not bother me that much. The thing is I have to go to work in a few hours until 9:30 tonight, then wake up at 5am and be out of my house by 6am to get on a flight to visit my best friend’s family in Florida (the gulf coast, not where Hurricane Matthew hit). Flying is not on my list of favorites. All the rushing around, the sardine-like squeezing into the plane, the rushing to wait, the germs, the way the airlines gouge everyone for every little thing, the security lines. My biggest concern is how to bring my laptop. If I don’t bring it, I can’t write, and I feel like I will die if I can’t write. Writing is therapy to me, more so now than any other time. I can only take two carry-ons, including my purse, and I don’t want to pay extra to check my suitcase. I have a suitcase, a laptop bag, and my purse. That’s three things. Do I fit my laptop into my carry-on suitcase, so that I don’t have to check my bags? Or will my carry-on be too heavy? Should I leave my purse behind and just put my wallet in my suitcase? Will they let me take my vitamins and supplements? They’re expensive and I don’t want to have to throw them out at security. I feel like this is the kind of conversation I could have with my mom, and she’d be helpful. She would care. She’d probably even look all this stuff up for me, which is what I should be doing right now instead of worrying about it. She wouldn’t even have to look it up because she traveled all the time to see my sister and her kids.
Scratch that. My boyfriend cares, and I did talk to him about it briefly yesterday, and he did make suggestions. I just miss my mom.
Speaking of missing Mom, last night I had another crying dream, and the feeling of love so deep it hurts, with a visual of water with waves rippling out from the center, the feeling of love coming from the center, underneath. There was more, but I won’t bore you with the details. Just that there was coconut, a favorite of Mom’s, and red roses, which she grew in the yard of my childhood, and for some strange reason a miniature T Rex dinosaur. School and my bike were also featured in my dream. It still wasn’t a lucid dream in spite of my trying very hard and finally resorting to supplements (mugwort and something called dream herb, which did nothing). My bestie suggested that I simply need to cultivate the dreams as I did before, and I agree.
I’m hoping I’ll have time and space alone to write while I’m in Florida. I’m hoping the beach isn’t crowded—preferably that it’s deserted—and that I can walk alone along the beach at some point just to reflect. I’m sure that whatever happens will be just right. It will be so good to see my bestie’s family, who I haven’t seen in 20 years. It will be good to spend time with my best friend.
There’s a chance I’ll decide last minute to take a notebook and write old-school style, which kills my hand, but if that happens, I won’t be posting anything more until Thursday night at the earliest. That’s all I got for now.
This video may be a bit cheesy in its deliverance, but I like that it includes lyrics.