Still Searching

What I want to know is where are all the people out there struggling with their careers, or lack of? Where are all the support groups for those of us who have no idea what we’re doing, where we’re going, or how to get there, specifically when it comes to a career? Everyone’s more concerned about their relationships—like me—but they seem to have their shit together otherwise. Everyone I know is already on a path of doing what they want to do, and those who aren’t, accept their situation. They’re not endlessly searching for something different. And don’t tell me that if I believe it, it will happen, or to do what I love and the money will come, or to get a career coach, or take some classes, or read some books, or do more networking. I’ve tried all of that.

Sigh. I guess I will just keep trying.


It’s been two years since I left my marketing job and one year since I started school to study nutrition, yet doubt still plagues me. Every night for years I’ve prayed for my higher power to remove my doubt, fear, and insecurity, and to direct me in what God would have me do. Every week I talk to a therapist. Now I’ve found Codependents Anonymous (CoDA), and my new CoDA sponsor gave me some hope the other day after I told her my story. She said that I’m bright and won’t be working at the grocery store for the rest of my life, because I don’t want to, and she said, “We need to get you writing,” and she said, “If you don’t want to go back to school, you don’t have to go back to school.”

I’m going anyway. Even though I dread it, and haven’t bought my books yet, and have no interest in physiology II, and limited interest in eating or cooking. It just feels like my only option right now.

And I thought, Yeah, I am bright. Somehow she could see that about me, even though we talked nothing about anything scholarly, and she’d said she could tell I was a writer when I spoke because I’m a good storyteller, which flattered me, I ain’t gone lie. But here’s the thing:  being bright doesn’t pay the bills. One of my friends is so incredibly smart, but she cannot keep a job to save her life. I may seem so together to outsiders, but I am broken.

Some of my friends in the marketing industry had also fallen into working there without meaning to, but they had families to support, and they accepted their lot in life. Kids scare the hell out of me, so I never had any, thank God for them. So it’s a blessing that I have only myself to care for.

Now my boyfriend wants to pick up and move to Raleigh without me, to carry on a long-distance relationship until we get into a better place, and then I can move there. It’s the right thing to do, and what I’d have wanted—well, what I’d have needed, not really wanted, because I sure wish he’d try to convince me to go with him and live with him. That would just put me in an awkward position of feeling obligated to go to save our relationship, while knowing it wasn’t the right thing to do right now. No one can win with me. It’s possible he may not even go, depending on whether he gets offered the job he just interviewed for, and whether or not he decides to take it. It would be best for his kids, because they live there. It’s not like it would be the worst thing for us, yet I feel abandoned, already. I am the girl who wants to be invited to the party even though I don’t really want to attend.

And I would have wanted to go if we hadn’t had this last episode in which he expected me to spend Thanksgiving with him and his dad in a nursing home in Ohio when I felt obligated to visit my sister and stepfather in North Carolina, due to my mother’s recent passing, in spite of the fact that they don’t even really care. So I went to Ohio anyway and the whole thing crashed and my boyfriend spent a week ignoring me afterwards, and I’ve decided that no, that won’t happen again. Ignoring me is the worst thing anyone can do to me. I’ve been ignored my entire life, and damn if I’ll continue to be ignored any longer, especially in my relationship. That is not how this relationship’s going to go.

What I need to do is focus on myself and my career and how I’ll take care of myself financially so that I can live on my own, and not in a shared house for the rest of my days. I am really, really hoping that CoDA will help me do this.


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