Waiting

No matter the outcome of this particular phase of my life, I must know that good will come of it. If I rely on my higher power and trust that good will come, I can find serenity and strength. Life may not turn out the way I think I want it to right now, and if so, later it will become clear to me that better things were in store for me.

These are the words I tell myself as I wait for my ex-boyfriend to decide if he wants to get back together or not. If he cannot get over his anger and hurt, and he can’t forgive me, then maybe it’s just not meant to be. I don’t want to be with someone who can’t forgive me. It’s a terrible feeling to feel so unforgiven. To feel that you fucked up beyond repair, that you destroyed something really beautiful, to feel that no matter how hard you tried, you could not be perfect. All I can do is surrender. I cannot be perfect. I will make mistakes. I will hurt people, and they will hurt me. We’re human, and that’s what we do sometimes, even when we don’t mean to.

If we get back together, it won’t be the same. When the honeymoon period is over, hopefully something deeper will develop, and in this case, that’s a big question mark. I told him I want someone who can tell me that they’re willing to work with me on this relationship just for today, and he replied that wasn’t too much to ask, not realizing that’s exactly what he’s not doing right now.

If he decides he wants to get back together, is this what I want?

Yes. Do I think that means it will work out forever? No. There are no guarantees, and I have no idea what our relationship will look like if we get back together.

I can’t help but remember how I’d cheated on my first husband, and he forgave me, and still wanted to get back together. Couples do that sometimes after infidelity, and in this case, I did not cheat, yet this man struggles to trust and forgive me. I had to explain to him for an hour and a half that he’d misunderstood something I’d said, and afterwards he felt better, but I did not.

Whatever happens, I can and will heal. If we don’t get back together, maybe it’s for the best. As much as I want this relationship to work out, it’s not really up to me to decide. As much as it feels like it’s my fault, that I ruined it, I have to know that I did not singlehandedly ruin this relationship, that if he cannot forgive me for something that isn’t even true, then it wasn’t meant to be. I can and will grow stronger from this.

I just want time to hurry and pass, because this is so incredibly painful I want to take some extreme action, like leave the country.

Maybe it’s for the best if he can’t forgive me. He’s losing out because he’s unwilling to do the work it takes to be in a healthy, loving relationship. If he decides to stay, maybe it will bring us closer, and maybe our love will grow deeper and stronger. If not, maybe something else amazing will happen, and I will simply become stronger. I’ll become stronger either way.

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