When you’re feeling devastated because the one you loved broke your heart, allow yourself to feel sad. Have a good cry. Sob, wail, do everything you need to do to get it all out. Cry to your friends who support you—and remember that if someone doesn’t support you, they’re not your friend! Go to those who support you. Don’t go to, let’s say, family members who also loved that cold-hearted bastard, because he put on such a good show around them. Don’t go to the hardware store looking for milk. You go to your best girlfriend who will tell you, “Girl, he’s no good for you!” That’s what friends are for. And when one of your girlfriends has the same problem in the future, you can be that friend for her.
Get angry. Eff that dude! This is HIS loss! You are better than that. Remember all the times you put up with his bullshit, all the times he hurt you, the times he ripped your heart out. You deserve better! There’s someone out there who will love and respect you, who will appreciate you for who you are, who encourages you to speak your mind and express your feelings. If someone silences you, they do not deserve to be in your life. If someone ignores you, refuses to listen to you, blocks you from their phone, consistently needs to “take a break” from the relationship, then you may as well be invisible to them. You may as well not be in their life. And YOU will be better off without THEM. Here’s what I have to say to those who ignore their significant others:
The other day I wrote a blog post that I didn’t post, all about how sorry I was for words I’d said to him, hurtful words that caused pain. Why did I say those words? What was wrong with me? Why would I sabotage my relationship, if that’s what I was subconsciously doing? I kept beating myself up, over and over, analyzing it and re-analyzing it. I felt like a horrible person, and I wanted so badly for him to forgive me. I felt like I would not be okay if he could not forgive me, which he can’t. Over the weekend he told me he cannot forgive me. I knew then that I had to learn to forgive myself. I prayed to God to forgive me, and for me to forgive myself. Then I wondered what I’d do if the roles were reversed. Would I forgive him?
Of course I would.
What did I say that was so wrong, so horrible? I expressed a negative emotion, something that hurt his feelings. Nothing I’ve said afterwards has mattered. Lengthy, numerous explanations about my own issues, admitting my mistake, admitting my jealousy, none of that matters. The relationship cannot recover from it.
But I would forgive someone else for that. I would be hurt, and feel accused, but I’d forgive them. Maybe I’d still feel hurt, but I would understand they had issues. His reaction was to take me home from our trip, gather my belongings from his place, and refuse to talk to me anymore.
When I think of how I hurt him, I feel terrible. He told me I shattered his heart. I don’t know how to undo it. There is no way for me to undo it.
Then a friend asked me, “Do you feel like what you did was wrong?” What was it that I really did? I expressed an emotion. Did I kill someone? Did I abuse someone? Did I cheat on him? Did I accuse him of being a criminal? No. I expressed a negative emotion. Yes, it was hurtful. No, it was not intentionally, consciously hurtful. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. But I did.
So I can wallow in self-pity and beat myself up for days, months, or however long, OR I can acknowledge that I did something hurtful, and move on. I can learn to forgive myself, learn from the experience, and remember that everything happens for a reason.
If you’re in a similar situation, ask yourself this: Do you want to stay in a relationship in which you’re not allowed to express your emotions? Do you want to be in a relationship in which you’re afraid to say how you feel? Do you want to be with someone who ignores you from time to time? Do you want to feel worried about their mood, wondering if today will be a happy day, a sad day, or an angry day? Do you want to feel like your mood is dependent upon their mood? Ask yourself how you want to live your life. What do you want your relationship to look like? Are there things you’ve ignored because you thought the good outweighed the bad? Are there red flags?
There’s no good guy or bad guy. There are humans being human. We are flawed and we hurt each other, even when we don’t mean to or want to. A relationship cannot continue without forgiveness.
Relish your time being single. If you’ve broken up completely, or temporarily separated, focus on your time alone. Fill your time with things you love to do, activities that are healthy for you. Take a Zumba class, go to yoga, join a hiking club. Learn to rock-climb. Do those things you’ve always wanted to do, but never had time. Take time for them now. Focus on doing today what can help you tomorrow. Focus on school, work, your career. And remember, if you love someone, let them go. If they come back, you can decide then if this is really what you want. If they don’t, it wasn’t meant to be.
Learn to love yourself. Treat yourself the way you’d treat a significant other who you want to keep. Make time for yourself, and do the things you enjoy. Encourage yourself to grow. Use positive self-talk. Make time for friends and fun. Be there for other people, and get out of your head. It’s not always a safe neighborhood there. Listen to your heart instead. One day your life will get so much better than it is right now. You will find that your life has become so much better than you ever dreamed possible. You’ll look back and see this painful time as a blessing. It may not feel like it now, but one day you’ll become grateful for this hardship.
Stay strong! You will love again.
Peace and namaste,