A Message for the Heartbroken

Listen to me. Listen to the words I’m saying, and let them become your own. Let this become your inner voice.

Today is the day you can commit yourself to a new way of thinking. If you’re prone to negative thinking, the worst that can happen is you go back to your old way of thinking. It’s likely to happen if you’ve lived your entire life with negative thoughts of not being good enough, but all you have to do is acknowledge the thought, and then think of three positive thoughts. Even if you don’t believe them today, just do it. And if it doesn’t seem to be working, do it again. Do it again and again, day after day until you get the truth into your head. The truth is you’re a beautiful person, worthy of love.

I’ve read that the human brain is prone to negative, fight-or-flight thinking that no longer serves us now that we’re not in survival mode, yet our minds continue on this negative path that we’re in trouble. I’ve also read that because of neuroplasticity, a process of re-wiring our brains into a different way of thinking, we can become more positive. I don’t know all the science behind it, but it’s worth the experiment. The reward is a new you.

Think about it.

A new you. A new me!

How amazing would it be to become the person you always wanted to be? How wonderful for your life to become better than you ever dreamed possible? What if you knew you were beautiful, inside and out? What if you knew your strength? What if you knew that you have enough in your life, and that you are enough, right now, as you are?

Let’s say you have extreme thoughts of how horrible this chapter of your life is, and you just want to end it. You feel like you’ve always been depressed, or that you eventually end up in this dark place again, and that when circumstances get tough, you can’t handle it. You beat yourself up for it, and you are sick of it, and you want to disappear forever. What if, instead of all that negative self-talk, you knew that you’d be okay? That you’d be better than okay, that you’d come out of this a more resilient person, and you’d be happier than ever before.

courage

Why not give it a try? Why not replace those negative thoughts with positive ones. Maybe in the beginning you mindlessly repeat positive affirmations you don’t believe. But make an effort to elaborate. If your positive affirmation is that you’re beautiful, own it. Repeat after me: I am a beautiful person, and I have a lot to offer the world. Anyone who I get into a relationship with will be lucky to have me in their life. Anyone who mistreats me or abandons me is losing out on a wonderful opportunity, and that’s their loss. I am moving on, and I will find someone wonderful and worthy of my love to love and be loved by.

The beautiful thing that can come of this is that you’ll know that you loved. You loved deeply and you loved well. Your heart was true. You did the best you could at the time, which was pretty darn good. Some things weren’t good enough for him, for whatever reason, and maybe you didn’t get a chance to show that you were willing to change. The thing is, he’s a selfish and sick man who prefers to be single over having a companion who was willing to work on the relationship. That’s his prerogative. Maybe the two of you just weren’t meant to be together long-term. Some people prefer to be single, and if they want to live a lonely life, let them. You don’t have to do that. My belief is that people are social animals, and I believe we’re meant to have companions. Now you know if you go on a date with a man who has never been able to commit to anyone, it’s a warning sign, and you don’t have to go through the heartache of falling in love with him and spending a year and a half or however long hoping he’ll change. He won’t change! Do not fall for his bullshit. If he tells you he’s never felt this way before, and he believes you’re meant to be together, and you’re his soulmate, yet he still cannot plan a date for when you’ll move in together or get married, he’s a liar. Run fast.

In my case, this man has his own issues, and there’s no room in the relationship for me to have mine. But guess what? We all have our own issues, and if one person cannot handle that, then they need to move on. If you just went through a traumatic experience, and he expects you to be there for him, throwing it in your face that he drove 5,000 miles to be with you when your mom died, HE’S NOT WORTH IT. Anyone would travel whatever distance to be with their partner during the death of a loved one. They should never make you feel guilty for being there for you, nor should they put a timeline on your grief. They should not, three months later, expect you to go meet their ailing parent on the first holiday after the death of your loved one, and then get angry with you and refuse to talk to you when you get your feelings hurt. And if anyone ever says to you, “Everything is not about you,” after you’ve spent your entire relationship trying your best to appease them, what they really mean is, “Everything is about me.”

If you find yourself in a situation in which you’re doing everything you can to try to appease someone, it’s not working! Relationships take work, but they should not take that much work. Even if the other person has a mental illness, you cannot use that as an excuse to be mistreated. There’s someone out there for everyone, and you’ve got to decide what you can put up with. You do not have to settle for less than the absolute best for you. You are worthy. You’re smart and capable. You have so much going for you. Even if you’re not exactly where you want to be in your life right now, you’re right where you need to be, and you’re growing all the time.

amen

Think of this painful time as a learning experience. It’s like when you’re sick with the flu, and all you want to do is feel normal again, and that first day that you feel well, you feel so grateful. You feel so much better than you did had you never been sick. That will happen for you. It may not feel like it now, but it will happen. Trust in the process. Use this time wisely, to focus on the things you have always wanted to focus on, yet couldn’t because you spent most of your time on the relationship. Have you neglected your goals? Do you have career goals to work towards? Are you spending enough time having fun? Do it now! Now is the time.

Do not try to forgive anyone who’s hurt you before you’re ready. Premature forgiveness does not make you a more spiritual person. True forgiveness can and will come in time. You’re still a spiritual being having a human experience. You can still grow spiritually and find forgiveness, in time. Right now, get angry if you need to! Let it out! In a healthy way. No need to express it to him. He’s not worth it! He’ll learn the lessons he needs to learn in time, and trying to teach him that is not worth your time. You’re not his higher power, and he’s not yours. And that’s okay. It’s better than okay! You have your own shit to deal with. Write it out in your journal, dance it out in Zumba, kick it out in kickboxing. If you just spent your workday trying to repress the feelings by not thinking of him, then later you read somewhere not to repress your feelings, do not beat yourself up! If you spent your morning crying and then later read somewhere not to wallow in self-pity, don’t punish yourself with negative self-talk about how you’re not doing this right! You are doing it right! Do whatever you need to process your feelings and get through them. Congratulate yourself for walking through a hard time, because you are amazing–and there’s nothing wrong with knowing that you’re amazing.

Know that this time will pass, and be grateful for it. Remember it and be grateful, because one day your life will be so much more amazing, and you’ll be able to look back and see that you got through a hard time with courage and strength, and you’re learning from it. In fact, you need this experience to grow. This is what it took to gain the strength and courage to be who you really are: a wonderful person who is no one’s doormat.

strength

Become your biggest cheerleader. When you think back to a painful time in your life, wouldn’t you love to be able to go back and tell that younger you that she’d be okay? That everything would work out, and her life would get better? You can do that now. Imagine your future self cheering you on. Imagine that person hugging you. There’s no way around this painful time; the only way is through. And you will come out a better person. Trust me.

Stay strong. You are worth it.

TCH

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