Random Musings Just So You Know I’m Alive

Two more weeks of class and then I can breathe again. Not that I’m working that hard, tbh. This semester I’ve done the bare minimum I need to do just to get by, and I don’t feel too bad about it. I have slept a lot, which is why I haven’t been posting as much lately. I’d like to say it’s because I unpacked everything from moving and got all of my schoolwork finished, but nope. Sleep. That’s what I’ve been doing. So much that I wondered if something was wrong. Maybe not enough vitamin B or D, maybe my thyroid wasn’t functioning properly, maybe the beginning signs of perimenopause. After studying various diseases and conditions in pathophysiology, I’d decided I must also have type 1 diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, and probably cancer. So I went to the doctor and had bloodwork taken and everything’s not just normal, but better than good. Somehow I am the healthiest person on the planet—through minimum effort on my own. I’m going to live forever. I get it from my grandmother.

The important thing to think of as I prepare for a busy day is gratitude. How good my life is today. How glad I am to be living with my friend. How nice it is to have free time. How much opportunity I have available to me. How much more there is to do in this lifetime. How much I have to look forward to.

My stepfather’s brother died on Thanksgiving due to complications from a minor knee surgery, just three months after my mom died. Recently his other brother was put into hospice, so he’ll be going soon as well. How much heartache can one person endure?

I’m reading a book called Unstuck: Your Guide to the Seven-Stage Journey Out of Depression by James Gordon. One woman’s story sticks out in particular: the wife of a senator who publicly seemed like a good guy, but who was cold and emotionally unavailable to her, and who’d had an affair. The wife got cancer and then separated from him, and her kids were angry with her instead of their asshole father. They separated and later she had a love affair with a married man who left her after a year but through it all she was still glad she had that time with him because she loved him. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was Elizabeth Edwards. Doesn’t really matter. The point is, she found peace and gratitude, in spite of the hardships she endured.

Good things are on the horizon. They’re already here.

I love this song by Awolnation. I love all of their songs but I find this one especially inspiring. How true the line is “I got lost to find my way / So be good with goodbyes.” Everything is temporary; be grateful for this moment.

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