Moving On… Or Trying To

I got a new man on the horizon.

I’m not even sure we have much in common or if it will lead to anything—in fact, I doubt it will. But it’s nice to have the distraction. It’s possibly a codependent way of coping with my break-up, but I’m a newbie and don’t have the wisdom or experience to do anything differently–at least, that’s my excuse. And it has been three months. And we’re only going out on a date. There’s no need to map out our astrological signs or how our possible marriage will look like or join group therapy for how to be a good stepmother (he has a daughter) because that probably doesn’t exist, and I don’t even really believe in astrology, though it’s fun to learn about. And actually this is different because I didn’t get involved with anyone else before the end of my last relationship. Usually I have someone on the back burner.

Technically my ex and I are broken up. We just email each other almost every day though I’m becoming less eager to respond so quickly. The latest was that he told me he’s looking to rent a new apartment because he feels stuck in his current place, and he’s still uncertain about our future together. It was not lost on me that he’s planning to pay what equals to the sum of what he and I spent separately on our rent and bills for his own place. We could have made our financial lives easier by living together—I could have actually made his financial life easier, and I wanted so badly to point that out—but I no longer want to do that anyway. If we get back together, I want my own place, maybe forever, and I wanted to point that out too, but decided not to.

Two of my friends are engaged to their SOs but don’t live together, and that’s the way they like it. They have a commitment but their autonomy as well. I considered presenting this brilliant new idea to my ex, but decided against it. It feels too much like giving in and desperately asking him to stay with me at all costs, even though that may be what I end up preferring in the end. Because I don’t know if he’d ever change and want to be committed, or if he’d just think he could do whatever he wanted, ie, treat me badly by ignoring me and “taking a break” every three or four months. If he really wants this, he’s going to have to work for it. So far he’s shown no willingness to do much work for it, other than to keep me hanging by a thread, offering a glimmer of hope by emailing me every day, sometimes responding quickly, sometimes waiting hours later. I don’t like playing games and do my best to be open and honest. But I know he plays games with other people so why would he not be playing games with me. Sometimes I respond quickly to his emails and sometimes not. I think about how I want to respond first these days, which is something that sometimes requires sleeping on it. Then I get in my head about whether I’m being manipulative and controlling by not responding right away, as if I’m playing hard to get, but then I decide I’m getting too much into my head about it. I respond when I have something to say.

I had hoped to go out on my own and spend the next year or two or three focusing only on my friendships and spiritual growth devoid of relationship distractions, but hey, this man asked me out. And I am attracted to him. So there you go. He reminds me of a lumberjack. His nails were dirty like he’d been working on his car all day, and I thought, Now there’s a man who can probably build me a nice tiny house. He usually just throws on whatever jeans and shirts are nearest in the closet. Very masculine. But I can definitely pick out some better clothes for that dude. Don’t you love how self-serving my thoughts are? Haha!

Before I go deciding on a new wardrobe for this man, I’ll go out on probably just one date with him. But like I said, it’s a fun distraction. That’s what dating is about, right? Getting to know each other. My mom had said to find a man you can be friends with. Possibly the best advice she’s ever given me.

I’d love to tell my ex that there are tons of men (one man, lol) interested in me if he’s not, that I have lots of options, from men who know what they want, who want to commit. But it wouldn’t matter, or do any good. In the meantime here’s my latest theme song:

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