Love and Dating, Finding Myself… You Know, the Usual

One of the reasons why it’s good for me to talk with others before forming my opinions is because that’s when I am reminded that my perception is not reality, and not to take their words personally. When others say something in general, it’s not about me. It’s not some code message warning me to stay away or come closer or whatever. What I’ve learned, and need to remind myself of sometimes, is that my life always goes better when I just take someone at face value for whatever they say.

For example, let’s revisit the conversation I had two nights ago with my two male friends who have recently broken up with their SOs. Friend #1 and I were talking about our break-ups and being single, when Friend #2, who I’ll call Jay (aka my new crush) enters the picture. Jay says something along the lines of, “I was asking my friend the other day, ‘What do you do about the sexual tension [after the break-up]? There are so many problems that can come of that.’ And she said, ‘There are four thousand and one problems that can come of that.’ It was a good reminder.”

And then at some point soon after that he talked about enjoying being single.

My translation: “My girlfriend and I just broke up, and now I really want to have sex with someone else, but not with you, Ella (or Anna, or whatever my pseudonym is)—because if I was interested in you I wouldn’t be standing here talking about how I feel about you in an indirect way. And it doesn’t matter anyway because I’m not going to sleep with anyone or date anyone because I’m focusing on the single life. I don’t want a girlfriend and I’m not going to have sex with anyone.”

After consulting with a trusted friend, the correct translation is more like this: “My girlfriend and I just broke up, and now I want to have sex with someone else (or maybe with the ex? It was unclear.), but that would complicate my life, and so I will enjoy being single instead.”

Which is a wise thing to do. That’s what I need to do too.

So the date last night was just okay. Dude actually kissed me at the end of the night which I thought was bad manners, though he did ask and I did let him. Mainly because I didn’t feel comfortable saying no. Which is bullshit because I could have easily said I don’t believe in kissing on the first date. I am Delayed Reaction Girl, but that’s okay. Because now I know for next time. I just didn’t expect him to ask me or try, on the first date. See, it helps if I think of this in advance and prepare my answer, in advance.

He’s a nice guy. But I couldn’t help but compare him to my ex. All the little things my ex would’ve done or wouldn’t have done. When the waiter asked what table we wanted, my ex would’ve asked me what table I wanted. When the waiter took hours to get our check for us, my ex would’ve gotten his attention. My ex would’ve asked me if I wanted his lemon for my water. He would’ve asked me if I wanted to take the leftovers home, and then he’d have insisted on it when I said no.

The kiss was terrible. Possibly the worst kiss I’ve gotten since high school. Forcing the tongue down the throat is not a turn-on—for me, anyway. My ex gave soft, gentle, slow kisses. Once I went on a date with a guy who kissed me like a lizard catching flies. Dude’s kiss last night was worse than that.

This is the not-so-fun part of dating.

Ah well.

Keep on keepin’ on. Put the Positive Thinking Cap on. Eventually I’ll meet someone and we’ll have an exciting, fun first date. We’ll realize we have so much in common, and we’ll be so happy to have met each other. Even if I didn’t get to continue on to experience an even deeper level of love with my ex, I’ll get to meet someone else one day and experience the newness of the relationship, the wonder of learning about each other, the beauty of growing together. We’ll get through hardships together that will be painful and then we’ll grow together through and experience a deeper level of love. If that were to happen for me right now would be insanity, because clearly I am not ready.

But one day it will happen. I have faith. In the meantime I’ll focus on gratitude for the single life, and my life today. I can use this time to focus on me.

here’s a good video/song for you. I love how dramatic Nate Ruess (the lead singer in Fun) gets in this video. It makes me want to hug him. When I get really into a song, I imagine myself making the same kind of facial expressions and hand gestures, falling to the knees, etc. It’s all part of the movie I have in my head starring Tina Fey as me, which I’ll tell you more about later.

Anyway, my favorite line is this: “I still wake up / I still see your ghost / But I still don’t know what I stand for.”

But it’s okay. That’s what we’re figuring it out right now.

Peace and love and hugs,


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