Lately I’m feeling anxious about this career change. What if I’m no good at it? What if I can’t remember anything? What if I hate it? What if, what if, what if. Fear. Just pure fear.
I’d hoped to be out of school in a year, but had to drop two classes, which means I probably can’t take four classes every semester as I’d anticipated, which means it could take up to two years before I’m finished. Two years is not a long time but today it feels like forever. You’d think I’m starting tomorrow with the amount of anxiety I’m experiencing over it lately.
So I give myself a pep talk as I would to a good friend: You’ve traveled three times in the past four weeks, without much time off work, and you’re not only working full time, but you’re in graduate school. When would you have had time to clean? You’ve spent most of your free time writing, napping, going to support group meetings—these are all necessary for your self-care! Do not cut those things out! Maybe cut back on the writing and napping just a smidge, if you can. Your room is fairly clean now, and when you have a day off you can start chipping away at it.
There’s this thing called “integration” which, from the way I understand it, is a way of positive self-talk, the way a loving parent would talk to their child. It feels weird to talk to myself in third person, or second person, whatever it is, so I go back and forth in my head with this.
I just spent two days with my boss, who I like a lot, so this was not a bad thing, at a conference in New Jersey. We learned about (disease-preventing) benefits of herbs, and it was nice to have quality time and conversation with Cathy, who I find inspiring. Mostly I stressed about it though, because I like to have an hour minimum to myself in the morning and again at night, to write and process my thoughts and feelings. I’ve gotten so spoiled with having a lot of “me time” that my insides seized up at the thought of not having that for 48 hours. LOL.
All this “me time” plus traveling has created a mess out of my bedroom, and I’m not as on top of my school work as I’d like to be. In my work I meet a lot of nutritionists who work for supplement companies, probably making good money, and I think to myself, Can I do that? Would I be good at what they do? I’d initially planned to work one-on-one with clients but now I’m in so much financial fear that I would sell my soul to get out of debt. Just kidding. Never gonna do that again. The most important question is, Would I even want to work for a supplements company? Luckily I don’t have to decide this today.
The other night I had a dream in which a former co-worker wrote a negative comment on my blog, then called me up and told me I was fired. I think the stress of all the traveling and less me-time has gotten to me. The fear of the unknown with the career situation. The lack of time spent exercising and doing other self-care things that nourish my spirit. All because I’m too busy doing homework, and even then I’m not spending enough time on that.
I want to write more to wrap this up but I have to get to work. I wrote most of this post last week and am feeling better today, and have started a different post that I’ll try to finish and put up tomorrow. Mostly I wanted to let y’all know I’m still alive and kicking, and I’ve been stressed out, but I’ve been saying positive affirmations, started listening to positive music again, cleaned my room, and doing other self-care things to help me. When you feel yourself spiraling into a negative direction, ask yourself, Is this how I want to spend my time? I am all about rewiring my brain for positivity. Try it! You never know how much better life can get if you don’t try.