A friend told me the other night that she and her girlfriend broke up earlier this year, and that the most heartbreaking part of it was that everything was going well, they loved each other, but they just could not see a future together. This is what I don’t understand. Either they weren’t that into each other in the first place, or they think there’s someone else out there more perfect. Good luck finding that. What happened? You got bored? That’s life. It’s not going to be fun and games every day. For the love of all things holy, just commit. Is it really that hard? Asks the woman who’s twice-divorced.
That’s what I did with my ex-husband, the second one, and that’s what my ex-boyfriend did with me, or so it seems to me now. Neither of these guys had the desire, courage, and/or ability to fight for the relationship. It seems to me that if you really want something, you fight for it.
As you can see, I’m still angry and hurt. When I think of my ex-bf, I no longer have warm and fuzzy feelings. Instead I get memory bubbles of little things he did that hurt me, like investigate my graduate school to ensure that it was legit, under the guise of concern and interest.
I don’t want this to be a resentment-fest, or rant, so I’ll try to keep this brief. Used to, when friends spewed venom over their exes even long after the fact, I didn’t get it. I’m friends with all of my other exes, and I have kind thoughts about them all. But now I get it. It’s only when someone hurts you so badly that all you can think of for a time are the negatives—at least for me, anyway.
And I realized that I’m closing my heart, and doing everything the opposite of what I did before, to protect myself. All of my actions are practically a big middle finger, much like how I’ve felt about my dad all my life, and the message is this: I don’t need anything from you. It doesn’t hurt anyone but myself, so it’s pretty ineffective. The other parties involved don’t even know they’re involved, and they actually just get to do what they want all the time, so it’s really not benefiting me at all. In fact, it’s the dumbest strategy in the world. What makes it worse is that all I get from it is pride that I do everything on my own, and at some point I cry alone in my room and wonder why no one (mainly, The Guy) ever helps me with anything.
The point is, I don’t want to close my heart just because one man hurt me. I don’t want to change who I am or what I want based on my perception of someone else’s feelings or actions. You see, I’d gotten it into my head that the new guy doesn’t want a commitment and isn’t that interested in me. But the important thing is: what do I want? How do I feel about it?
And as I’ve written before, it truly is better to have loved and lost. When you loved with all of your heart, you know that your heart was true, that you were honest, you gave it your all. If that’s not good enough for the other person, then it won’t be good for you in the long run. If they stay with you just for the hell of it so as not to be alone, it’s not fair to you. You can remember that next time you date someone just to avoid being alone, especially if the other person is totally into you and planning their future with you in it, rearranging their schedule, their whole life, just to include you or even to make you their priority. And you know when they’re into you in that way. I dated a guy for nine months knowing the whole time I wasn’t into it, and that he was, which was just wrong of me. And while the guilt that comes with being in a relationship with someone you’re not in love with, well, it’s nothing compared to the pain of getting your heart broken by someone you made the center of your universe. Yet the pain of a broken heart is far more beautiful and true than the numbness of being with someone for the hell of it.
When it’s all over I need to be willing to take that risk again. Maybe I’m not ready just yet but I must stay open to it. Because one day I will meet someone more wonderful than I can imagine. By then I can allow myself to acknowledge the imperfections and the inevitable boredom that may come with being in a relationship but also both the ups and downs, because all of that is just life. I don’t have to make any declarations today about how I’ll be single and living alone forever and that actually I love it this way, because the truth is I want a partner to share this beautiful life with, and that person is out there, probably experiencing his own life struggles right now, hoping to meet someone just like me one day. I will use the law of attraction. We’ll have mutual respect and admiration for each other. We’ll enjoy each other’s company but we’ll also have our own space. We’ll be grateful for each other. He will be my partner in life and I will be his.
I know I sound like a big romantic with all of this, and that’s because I am. Today I can be willing to open my heart, and to try and forgive my ex for hurting me. Maybe one day I can think of him with kindness and love again.
Humans are social animals. I believe that we’re meant to partner up. Maybe some people want to fly solo, but I don’t have to be one of those people nor do I need to judge them for it. Hey, different strokes for different folks. The important thing is, What do I want?
What do you want? Stay open to it, and it will come.
I would love to elaborate but I’m about to be late for work, and I just wanted to let y’all know I’m still here–just super busy with school and work and self-care stuff–though, sadly, not writing as much this week, which I think was a terrible idea in retrospect. I absolutely need to write to nourish my soul. More on that later. Also, I’ve been dying to write about an event from my high school life inspired by the TV show, 13 Reasons Why, which may be my next post. Stay tuned.
Peace and love,