The beginning part of the relationship that we look back on after being with someone for a while, that exciting, scary part where you don’t know if the other person really likes you or not, and you’re getting mixed signals, then you discover you’re giving mixed signals—that’s what’s happening for me. It’s so hard not to compare to the ex, both favorably and unfavorably. If I could just find someone with my ex’s openness but toned down a bit. I told my therapist that I would love to just find a woman with a dick, so we unpacked that and I discovered I want someone who I connect with on a deeper level, yet someone who’s willing to commit. At first I thought maybe I really want a transgender person but have just never been aware of it, and I wasn’t sure what that made me (queer, I think), then I remembered that testosterone makes people, well, kind of assholes. No offense, guys. But I watched a documentary in which this person born female felt that she was really male, and when s/he started taking testosterone, it changed their personality, made him more aggressive. Then we were like, Wait, some people are born with both sex traits. Then we realized that in that case the penis was probably very small, and let’s be real, most of us don’t really want that. Though I will say I once dated a guy who had a small one and it was actually pretty good. Maybe not marriage material for me personally, but I believe there’s someone for everyone. Whatever flaw you think you have that’s so bad, I believe there’s someone out there who prefers that very quality.
Anyway, my point is that this is the exciting part of the relationship that I crave yet agonize over at the same time. I’m in a race for this to become comfortable, when I feel secure in that he’s with me and no one else, and I want so much to put a definition on it. Even if that’s to say we each live in our own places and never or rarely spend the night together. I’m almost starting to realize maybe that’s what I want. I prefer sleeping alone in my bed, and one day I’ll get a dog and my dog can sleep with me, like how my sweet moopy schmoopy Dakota used to sleep in bed with me. She was almost as big as me, and loved to be spooned. Or maybe I’ll just get a cat, which would be far more low-maintenance, but she would be a cat who acts like a dog, like my girl Luna, the sweetest cat in the universe, who greeted me every day I came home from work, and followed me around the house. My therapist and I talked about how nowadays anything goes and there are no rules anymore. it’s hard to know what I want when society hasn’t put a definition on how it should be. No one really cares anymore; it’s up to me to decide, and agree on that with my partner. I can’t make my decisions based on what I think the larger culture wants. That does not a happy person make.
For the longest time I yearned for the 1950s to come back so I could just sit on my ass at home all day while the man works. I’m a good cook. I can keep the house clean. Where’s my sugar daddy? Turns out no one really wants to do that, and even if they did, I would not feel like the powerful badass that I am today. I do my own thing, guys. I plan on making good money again one day soon, and having my own place, and enjoying my job, friends, and not revolving my life and schedule around a guy. But it doesn’t mean I don’t want a companion to share my time with. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t stay true to one guy who I hope will stay true to me too. I just want to learn how to not be up each other’s asses all the time yet feel confident knowing he’s mine, all those other bitches better back off! Just kidding just kidding. Sort of. I just like to say that because it sounds funny in my head. I try to think of my female friends as my sisters, but deep down I get a bit jealous and territorial. But hey, I won’t interfere with your relationship and I don’t want you to interfere with mine. Most of us seem to be respectful of that as we get older, as far as I can tell. In my situation there’s an even younger woman in the picture who’s in a relationship, with another woman, yet has a crush on my guy. How dare she? Though I like her, I’m not particularly happy about this information. She’s about 10 or 12 years younger than I am. One thing I like about getting older is that my female friends—the older ones–are becoming nicer. But my guy is good-looking, so I guess that comes with the territory.
Anywho. I have to get ready for work. That’s the update on my new, whatever this thing is that I’m in that’s not exactly a relationship yet and maybe never will be, except that I got confirmation last night that he’s still interested, which I must admit, made my night. I long for the day that I don’t put my self-worth into whether a guy is interested or not, but I want to keep this honest and let you know that I am just not there yet. This is just the beginning of my journey of recovery from codependent relationships, and I am working on it.