I’ve been exploring my feelings for Mark, which I think is a natural tendency. We (I) get into a new relationship and wonder where this is going. Is there a future together? What will that look like? Can this person give me what I want and need, and can I do that for them? Is this going to be a lot of extra work that I don’t have the energy or desire for, and how much extra work should a relationship be anyway?
I don’t have an answer for any of those questions, and I can’t predict the future, and it’s futile to try to figure it out today. All I can do is focus on how I feel today. And what I know today is that I like him a lot and I believe I could love him—he’s easy to love. But I also want to be loved, and to feel loved. It’s hard to know for sure if he feels that for me, especially since I freaked out after he told me I had bad breath and took all my stuff from his house and did not meet his mom that night as he’d wanted me to do. He hasn’t invited me over for Thanksgiving, presumably because it would be an awkward way to meet his family for the first time, though he had no problem introducing me–or planning to introduce–me to his mom, aunt, and nephew only a month into our relationship. But tbh I wouldn’t want to meet his family on Thanksgiving, nor did I want to meet them this soon. But I want him to want me too. Not exactly fair, I know. Just giving y’all the truth of how I feel.
He’s taken all kinds of other actions to indicate he loves me, or could love me: he wants me to stay at his house frequently, always asks when he can see me again, when I tell him something’s important to me he remembers and does it or doesn’t do it (mainly that I don’t like to be/feel ignored–I like a “good morning” text and a “good night” text), he listens to me for the most part. We make each other laugh, and he’s fun to be around. He’s a good person, and a good friend.
But there’s a bigger issue that has come up, which is the intimacy issue in which we both have different… styles, I guess you’d say. Different ways of doing, and his way is the typical guy way which I’d forgotten about because my ex was the only one I’d ever been with who’d been different. I don’t know how to be discreet about this whole thing but I’ll do my best. I realize that Lady Gaga for example “likes it rough” or so she says in at least one of her songs, so maybe y’all think we all love feeling like we’re getting pounded like a dead piece of meat, but nuh uh.
What I’m saying here guys is this: Basically, most—many? Only me?—of us women need external stimulation—like, at the same time—while most men want to bang us like a jackhammer. There’s a little thing called “grinding the corn,” my friends, also known as the CAT position, both of which I’d provide a link except I still haven’t found the perfect one, and y’all know how to use Google. Learn it! Take notes! Ask your wives or girlfriends if this sounds like something they’d like! And in case I’m the only woman in the world who thinks this position/technique should be taught to men from the get-go, then explore other positions or techniques and try them! Ask her what she likes. Watch videos. Read articles. For the love of all things holy, friggin learn. Because let me tell you something, gentlemen: if she’s having fun, you will have so much more fun.
And when I say “watch videos,” I do not mean porn created by men for men. What I mean is instructional videos with friggin step-by-step directions and illustrations.
Because honestly guys, the way I feel today is that if Mark cannot get with the program on this, I’m going to have to make a decision. Either stay with him and let him do it his way and pretend to enjoy it simply because I want a partner and a possible child because I’m 41 years old and time is running out (that’s obviously a whole nother blog post), or move on. I really like him a lot and do not want to move on. The idea of moving on makes me want to stay single forever, forget sex and all men, get my own tiny house and live on a piece of land with some goats and be a crazy goat lady. That’s where I go with that. Which is my crazy thinking, projecting into an imagined future that hasn’t happened and most likely won’t happen, and in which I get this idea that Mark is The Last Man on Earth, and if this doesn’t work, then eff them all, I’m through. Done.
I’m not saying he’s not aware of my external parts and doesn’t spend time down there, nor am I saying he’s a selfish lover because he’s just the opposite. A big part of the problem—if not, THE problem that I probably should’ve told you from the start, is that I’m taking Prozac and it’s causing a real problem with my sex life. And I just had an IUD removed in August and my hormones are all over the place. But I just got the nuva ring and I’m tapering off Prozac so we’ll see what happens.
I got on Prozac almost a year ago when I lost motivation for life after my mom died, and it has helped me tremendously. So much that I’m not ready to stop taking it because I didn’t realize how much better I could feel, and for now I’ll be trying something different until I’m ready to go without.
In the meantime I sent Mark some instructional videos that he seems to have watched but not learned the lesson yet. I can see now that I need to communicate better, ie, ask him if he’s watched the videos. I’m hoping we don’t give up on this relationship before the Prozac gets out of my system.
But mostly I hope that whatever is meant to happen happens and that I can be okay with whatever plan God has in store for me.
PS: I got to see Lady Gaga perform live for the American Music Awards live from DC last night, and then I got to watch her win and give a beautiful speech. I now love her more than ever.