Use Your Voice

The other day Mark and I were talking about something, I don’t even remember what, because the next thing he said was so monumental. What he said was this: Use your voice, girl. Using my voice is the very thing I’ve had trouble with—for my whole life, and my ex-boyfriend capitalized on that. He challenged anything I might say about anything, for example, my belief in organic, non-GMO whole foods. He wanted scientific research for anything I might suggest that he didn’t agree with. When I tell Mark what I think about anything, he responds with something like, “Oh, that’s interesting.” WOW. You mean you’re not going to tell me how wrong I am, or how you believe something different which is the smarter, wiser, “correct” information?

I felt silenced by my ex.

I don’t want this to be about my ex anymore, but it’s hard not to make comparisons. Getting over my ex has been a process, and lately it’s been sinking in just how borderline emotionally abusive he was. He was incapable of loving me, and at the time I couldn’t see it. The actions he took had strings attached.

Use your voice, girl.

That’s what Mark said to me, and it was in relation to something the two of us were talking about, regarding us. It was not about me using my voice with someone else. He wanted me to tell him how I felt.

I was always a dark person. I liked spooky things, loved the color black, enjoyed disturbing stories, devoured psychological thrillers. I loved sad, dark music. Depression hit me in early childhood and it stayed with me until I quit drinking nearly eight years ago. Then some real life stuff happened, but I got help for it and came out on the other side. Then I met Mark.

Mark brings out the lightness in me. For a long time I don’t think I even knew I had any lightness.

A few other amazing things about Mark:

  • Never once has he grabbed any body part as he walked past me, nor has he ever gone on and on about how great my ass is, or any of my other body parts. However, he has told me I’m beautiful and that he loves my body.
  • He loves to do girly things with me. We have spa nights and give each other face masks, we do bath scrubs, etc. It’s fun!
  • He loves pop music, including that terrible song with the line “You don’t know you’re beautiful,” which I translate to mean the singer likes an insecure person, but Mark thinks it means this beautiful person is humble. Regardless, it’s hilarious to listen to Mark sing along to these songs.
  • Did I mention that he respects me and what I have to say? The first time I fought back over something he did, he was glad. He loved
  • He’s had his friends for years, and always makes time for them.
  • He makes time for his family: he goes to his mom’s house once a week, he’s a role model for his nephew, he’s a father figure to his friend’s fatherless daughter. He typed up a list of all of his friends’ and family members’ birthdays and keeps it on his dresser.
  • He really does not like anything dark.

Everything I’ve written about Mark prior to this feels silly when I think about it, especially the sex part. It feels unnecessary to go into detail about it though it has been an eye-opener. And let me tell you ladies, I now know what y’all are talking about. All I can say is that he is amazing and unlike any other guy I’ve ever known in every way. Everyone else seems like such an asshole now, when at the time I thought they were just being guys. I’ll leave it at that.

There are other things about him that I like and dislike, and he’s certainly not perfect, but right now he’s just right for me.

Happy New Year, Peace and Love,

TCH

 

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