When You Have No Other Choice But to Look at Yourself

Since Mark left me I haven’t cried, except once I welled up when “Fire and Rain” by James Taylor came on at work. I feel numb. My default reaction is that nothing good ever happens to me, my higher power’s plan for me is never what I want, and I’ll be alone forever.

But the new me points out the positives: he reminded me that good guys exist, he encouraged me to use my voice, he didn’t abandon me for using my voice, and I now have time to focus on myself, my school, career, friends.

He also convinced me that I look good without much make-up and my hair more natural. Let me revise that: I wouldn’t say he convinced me that I look good so much as made me aware of how much better women look who do not put too much make-up on. While I personally think I look better with black eyeliner (and I got a lot of compliments!), a Cleopatra hairstyle (got lots of compliments on that too), and unnaturally vibrant auburn hair (and I got compliments on that too!), he made me realize that wearing neutral tones of make-up and wavy brown hair looks… well, in my opinion, fine, and in his opinion, better. I must say no one has complimented this new look now that I think of it so maybe he wanted me to look worse so no one else would like me. LOL. Just kidding. I think he really liked that better, but whatever the case, this is who I am and I don’t want to become the old lady who dresses 20 years younger with a bunch of fake stuff.

Over the past few days what’s really come to mind is that although I still have two years left, I need to figure out how to become a nutritionist. This will be my livelihood. This will be what I do 40 hours a week, presumably. It’s how I’ll spend my days. If I cannot find confidence in myself doing this, my life will not feel worth living. I have no option but to do something for myself.

When I woke up this morning I remembered a girl I worked with at the store, who has since graduated from the school I’m attending, and who works at an apothecary similar to where I work, except she works with a team of nutritionists and practitioners and they advise clients on how to heal or recover or become healthier through nutrition and supplements. She’d suggested that I go to work there last year while I’m still in school, that it would make my life easier down the road as a nutritionist, but I liked my current job too much and didn’t want to jeopardize that. This job I have now is the only job I’ve really loved, with good people who treat their employees well, where people care about each other. It’s the only job I’ve worked in my adult life that was not a shark tank, and I’m terrified to go back to that environment. I wish I could work at the grocery store forever, but even if I made enough money there, I don’t see how they’ll survive, especially with Amazon. And now that Amazon has bought out Whole Foods, there’s no way a locally-owned grocery store can make it in the long run. Their days are numbered, in my opinion.

Even the apothecary probably can’t survive, but it will be a good way for me to get experience advising clients. As it is now, I don’t get to do that much. Customers ask for advice, but because I’m not a licensed practitioner I’m not allowed to give advice, nor can I say anything will treat, mitigate, prevent, or cure any kind of condition or disease. I know more than the average person, but I find it hard to remember what I think I should remember. My boss remembers a lot from when she was in school. She has since dropped out, yet she remembers details I didn’t even get the first time around from school. She knows how the body works and can describe in detail how the different processes and pathways work and the mechanism of action for various supplements. I don’t even try to remember that kind of information. All I can tell you is that, for example, milk thistle is traditionally used to support healthy detoxification. Don’t ask me how or why.

While I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, and my boss is smarter than the average person, I still feel inadequate. But at the same time it helps to know she’s smarter than not just me but most everyone else, and I suspect that when she describes some of this stuff to customers it goes over their heads, so they buy the supplement because they think she sounds like she knows what she’s talking about, even if they don’t. At least I can explain things in layman’s terms, provided I understand it in the first place.

I feel my memory getting worse, and it’s never been great. So that worries me.

Back to Mark: I can’t help but feel that if he were to change his mind and decide to stay with me, to go to therapy and do what he needs to do to manage his OCD, I’d go back to him. I would at least give it a try. It’s worth it, provided we both put in the work needed for the relationship. Maybe it’s more work than would be good for me. Whatever the case, it’s not up to me. It’s over so now I have no choice but to move on, and hopefully look back and see that it all worked out for the better.

Relationships are my addiction. When I’m in a relationship, that’s at the forefront of my mind, rather than the career change I’m in the process of making.

I don’t know if I can emphasize enough how much anxiety I feel about this career stuff. I’ve never had a job I liked outside of restaurant jobs from college, and the grocery store where I work now. Being in the workforce in marketing and even at the law firm before that was terrifying for me. I always felt out of place, never comfortable, never at home.

Sigh.

I have to change. There’s no other choice.

That’s all I got for today.

Here’s a song I’ve been listening to on repeat lately.

2 thoughts on “When You Have No Other Choice But to Look at Yourself

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