My pledge to be single for real this time has come to an end, my friends, as you might have guessed. The whole “relationship anorexia” idea—and that is a thing—well, that was just a bad idea. No need to be single just because I think I should be. Just do what you want, what feels right, follow your heart. Or your genitals. LOL. Just kidding.
What happened was, I was texting with my friend Spencer yesterday, and I was like, I wish whatshisface would just behave and be with me. Why couldn’t he just do what I wanted? Ha! Because that’s what people always do, right? I considered texting him and asking if he’s sure this is really what he wants. We don’t have to get married, dude! There was mad chemistry—just appreciate that now while we’re in our prime. It’s hard for me to understand how a red-blooded male couldn’t just do what he wanted to do, which was have a friend with benefits. He told me that from the start, and it was clear he was afraid of commitment, and honestly, I wasn’t in love with him. I wanted to be in love with him because I want to be in love with someone, and he seemed like a good person to be in love with, minus the weird mommy issues. And neediness. And paranoia. And jealousy and possessiveness.
That’s what I wanted? Pfffft. I may as well reactivate my Match account. Find someone who can fit into my schedule, my life. Someone who’ll come to my house, instead of me driving half an hour one way, packing and unpacking, rearranging my life around his, cancelling my plans with my friends, skipping meetings, putting him first. Nuh uh. Dude can fit into my life this time.
I’m not saying I’ll be inflexible and uncompromising, just that I’m so done with putting the man first. What about my needs? And when did his issues become my problem? And who says I have to put someone like that into my life? I have my own issues to deal with.
Y’all, if I’m being honest, I don’t even want a relationship right now because I just don’t have the time. Of course it would be great if that’s what happened—who doesn’t want love? But whatever happens, it will have to be with someone who understands that I don’t have lots of free time, that my “me time” is important to me, my time with friends is necessary, and I still need to study and go to the gym (which I haven’t done in months, I’m not proud to say). Do I just want to have my cake and eat it too? Is it even possible to have both your independence and a faithful companion and lover?
The thing is, I got needs, my friends. Unfortunately, that’s what ends up getting me into trouble. That’s why I thought Mark was a good choice. We had the same feelings about each other: we were attracted to each other but not in love. The problem was we weren’t willing to admit that to each other. I’m not sure if he could admit it to himself or was just trying to bullshit me, but that’s my assessment of the situation now, having more perspective on it. Personally, I didn’t want to admit it to him because he had that virgin-whore complex, and I do not appreciate being regarded as a whore. And really, I was willing to settle. I hate using that word, but my experience has gone one of two ways: either I think he’s the king of the universe and later realize he wasn’t at all, or I decide that this guy, whoever he may be, was good enough. I’d been in relationships with guys who had their pros and cons, everyone has their problems, and I decided that these particular problems I could deal with. I’d been rejected by guys I thought were perfect, and I felt like anyone I thought was “perfect” was probably an asshole, because they were.
We’ll see what happens.
My goal is to find a guy who I can be friends with, who makes me laugh, and who I make laugh. And who I have chemistry with. In the meantime my friends, I’ll settle for the chemistry part. LOL. God help me.
Peace and love,