The purpose of this blog is to get myself back into writing after a hiatus, during which time I’ve spent focusing on my sobriety and spiritual growth. Mulling over different blog themes and putting pressure on myself to figure it all out in advance created a paralyzing sense of fear that prohibited me from moving forward, so I decided to use this as an exploratory space, anonymously. I find it challenging to write about issues that I’ve already worked out, and more necessary to write about issues that I’m in the process of navigating, which means this blog will be somewhat therapeutic and hopefully a more literary way of journaling–instead of my stream-of-conscious, pen-and-pad journaling–and a safe place to express myself as well as a way to focus on my one passion in life, which is to write. I hope to create some publishable personal essays inspired by some of the blogs posted here, as I have yet to apply my master’s degree in creative writing to my life… but first things first.
From my first few blog posts I provide some background into why I took a break from writing and how I came to work at a blue collar job barely surviving financially after making a comfortable living in the marketing industry for several years. I also write about my two marriages and subsequent divorces. And a few of my blog posts reflect on addiction, specifically alcoholism. At some point I will touch upon my decision not to have children, as a woman approaching forty. Some call it a mid-life crisis while others describe it as an existential crisis, but I prefer to call it a spiritual awakening. Whatever it is, it’s the process of trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, or how I want to spend the second half of my life, assuming I’ll be on this earth for that long—not to be morbid, just stating the obvious, honest truth. Which reminds me, I’ll also write about spirituality, mostly from a Buddhist perspective.
In short, this blog is about my life.
For those of you new to this blog, if you don’t feel like reading the posts I wrote for the past two and a half years, I’ll give you the Cliff’s Notes: I started this blog soon after I left my second husband and subsequently a good-paying job that I found no meaning in. It felt like a mid-life crisis (I’m 41 now), and I cried a lot, and spent a lot of time feeling utterly lost, without direction, as I’ve been most of my life.
I downsized my life and found a job to support me. Then I met a guy who I thought was my soulmate. Then I made a decision to go to grad school for a career change in a subject that interested me. And everything was beautiful for a while. Then my mom died suddenly and unexpectedly. Then my boyfriend left me. Then I questioned why go to school or do anything at all besides live in a trailer and work in retail forever? Then I thought, Why live at all?
But when I look back on it, I have always been a seeker. My life seems to have followed the path of stagnation followed by internal crises full of questions like What do I do now? and Why am I here? What is the point of all this? My latest blog posts try to answer these questions with the goal of offering a different way to look at life, in the hopes of inspiring someone else.
Because if you think about it, aren’t those crises or bumpy parts interspersed with happy times (or happy times interspersed with the bumpy parts) only to come back around again—aren’t those all just part of life? Things get better then worse again then better. Then worse then better. People die. They get fired. We divorce. Sometimes life seems to go nowhere. But we also find love, meaning, purpose. And it turns out the way to find is to seek.
My earlier posts were quite raw and personal, and I don’t know yet if I’ll continue writing in that same vein or not. Maybe. Maybe not. Probably will, to be honest. Though I would love to not be that person, I can’t seem to help it.
I do know I want to explore the bigger questions about meaning and purpose of life here on this planet. And it ain’t for nothing, I know that much.
There’s a line in a song that I can’t remember exactly but it’s something like this: When you wake up in the morning, do you say, Good God, morning! Or do you say, Good morning, God!? Feel free to replace the word “God” with “universe,” “world,” “Allah,” “people,” “animals,” or whatever the heck word you want to use. I’m not here to preach to you about God. But I do believe there’s more to life than what we see, and my blog posts lately have been a lot about that kind of stuff.
And that’s all I have to say about that.